Title: Cold Without You
By: Bridget McKennitt
Pairing: Phoebe Halliwell/Cole Turner
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1845
Summary: Though Cole's been vanquished and her son has been born, Phoebe can't help but feel guilty over what she did now that she's cold without her love.
Contains: No warnings in as far I know that can't be extrapolated from the header itself.
Disclaimer: Charmed is owned by other companies. They are used here without permission, and for entertainment purposes only. No challenge or infringement upon the copyright is intended, nor should any be inferred.
Dusk settled over the Halliwell manor and Phoebe watched the sun set from her
windowsill. The sky was filled with color; purple, orange, red, and yellow. Then night
fell and all she could see was darkness. It was a lonely sight.
The precious bundle in her arms squirmed and Phoebe immediately shifted to
comfort her baby. Her baby, though conceived through a dark ritual, she loved him
immensely. He was the product of her and the love of her life, and that's what truly
mattered.
Except the love of her life was gone. Phoebe bit back a sob. It had been several
months since Cole died but the pain was still fresh in her mind. Yes, she thought
bitterly, it was necessary to vanquish Cole. He was the new Source and a danger to them
all. But her betrayal burned in her heart, utterly guilty in her actions.
"But my sins won't touch you, Randy. Neither will Cole's. You are free of our
taint," she whispered to her son. "Free."
A knock on her door sounded but Phoebe ignored it. She knew it was her sisters
checking up on her. "At least I'm not the only one with blood on my hands."
She laid Randy on his back, swiftly changing his diaper and putting his pajamas
on. If it was one thing she learned in the past months, it was that her son came first.
"Phoebe, open this door right now! Don't make me blow it up," Piper cried out.
"She's serious. Please Phoebe, let us in," pleaded Paige.
"I don't care. You'll just have to pay for it later." Phoebe turned her back away
from the door.
Chimes tolled in the air as Paige orbed Piper and herself into the room. "Okay,
you've been holed up in this room for too long. We hardly see you or our nephew anymore.
Have you even been to work lately?" asked Piper.
"I send my advice column via fax. If I can't have a happy ending, then I want
someone else to have it. Now leave, Randy's almost ready to fall asleep." She began to
rock her son back and forth.
"Oh no, you don't. Paige, take care of Randy while I talk some sense into our
sister." Paige lifted her nephew out of Phoebe's arms and orbed out. "Now that we're
alone, I want you to talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about, Piper. We vanquished my soulmate and while you
expect me to move on, I can't!" Phoebe sniffled and gazed with forlorn at a framed
picture of herself and Cole. "I love him so much that it hurts to breathe."
"But honey, he became the new Source. We had to do it."
"Did we? Because now that I think about it, we didn't have to vanquish him. You
didn't even give him a chance!" Phoebe turned back to Piper. "There had to have been
another way. Did you know that while Cole was the Source, he saved us over and over
again? I knew he was never fond of Paige yet he saved her from the Lazarus demon, the
Power Broker, from the Vampire Queen. He even got you and Leo a suite in Hawaii for
your honeymoon. Doesn't that prove that Cole was still good underneath?"
"I guess so. But he's gone now, there's nothing we can do."
She enclosed her hands over Piper's. "We've always been close, haven't we?
Between Prue and Paige, you and me have the strongest bond. So what happened?"
"We got married, Pheebs. And, it sounds selfish, but I didn't want you to grow
up. You've always been my little sister and it was happening so fast. You married Cole,
then you got a job, moved out of the manor, and became pregnant. It's tough."
"Well, Cole's dead, I'm finally paying my share of the bills, I'm back in the
manor, and my son's been born. You didn't have to use those excuses to hinder our
relationship."
Piper smiled. "At least it's out in the open. Remember Pheebs, I am always here
for you, Paige as well. You don't have to carry the burden alone anymore."
"Thanks, Piper. I think I'll go to bed now. Can you call Paige to bring in Randy
please?" asked Phoebe.
"How about I don't? We'll take care of your son. You just rest and relax." Piper
hugged her sister and closed the door behind her.
***
Phoebe awoke in the middle of the night with a strange feeling in her gut. The
room was dark and still. Randy was in her sister's room, safe and sound. So what was
the cause of her feeling?
Her eyes widened as she felt the bed move and an arm wrap around her. "Go to
sleep, babe." Phoebe could feel her heart stop for a moment and began to speed up like
a car on a race course. That voice...
"Cole?" she whispered. Oh lord, was that truly him?
The bed moved again and the lamp next to the bed turned on. There was Cole,
rumpled and sleepy, but very much alive. "Cole!" She embraced his warm body and began
to cry softly. "You're alive."
"Phoebe, I've always been alive. Actually I've only been truly alive ever since
I've met you." Cole frowned and tilted her chin up. "Babe, what's wrong?"
She wanted to tell him, so much, but a thought occurred to her. What if she
dreamt that he was dead for the past months? It was an image that she desperately wanted
to cling to, that Cole was really alive. And if she spoke those words aloud, he might
vanish from her world once more. "Nothing's wrong. I just love you so very much." She
rested her hands on his chest and lightly kissed his soft lips. She was home. "Never
leave me."
"I promise," said Cole.
Even after her husband went back to sleep, Phoebe could not close her eyes. She
did not want to wake up cold and alone again. So she began to think. Why was Cole
alive? Why?
***
The smell of French toast was the first thing she noticed as she opened her eyes
the next day. Cole held a tray full of breakfast items and laid it on her lap. "Morning."
"Morning. Did you make this yourself?" asked Phoebe.
"Yes, just for you. Come on, babe, give me a smile," Cole coaxed.
Phoebe giggled and smiled. "I love you." She picked up the French toast and took
a bite. "Yum."
"When you're done eating, I'm going to take you and our son to the fair that's
in town. Is that okay with you?"
"It's perfect, absolutely perfect." She laid aside the tray, and kissed her
husband.
At the fair, Cole carried their son as he led them through the crowd. Randy
enjoyed himself thoroughly as he gurgled and giggled at the sights. "Enjoying yourself?"
Cole whispered.
"Very much. We should do this more often," Phoebe whispered back.
"Your wish is my command. Look, the Ferris Wheel. Think little Randy would like
to ride on that?"
Phoebe nodded eagerly and Cole gave the man their tickets. They got on the ride
and it started to move. The view of San Francisco was breathtaking and Phoebe began to
cry.
"Is the sight of the city that beautiful, Phoebe?" Cole jokingly asked.
"No, it's not that. It's just, this is so overwhelming. You, me, Randy, this
fair, this day...how can it be real? I feel like I've been living in a nightmare for
so long."
Cole smiled and gently kissed his wife. "It's okay. I'm here with you and I'll
never leave."
The stars began to twinkle as the little family rode the Ferris Wheel for hours.
Phoebe snuggled up close to Cole, saying nothing, but enjoying the peace that she had
not felt in a long time. Yet there was something she had to get off her chest. "Cole?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for what I did to you."
He chuckled. "Sorry for what? For being the perfect wife and mother? For loving
me though I know I don't deserve your love?"
"Cole, I know you don't know what I'm talking about but I can't hold it in any
longer. I should have never helped my sisters in vanquishing you. Magic is powerful,
there had to have been some other way. Because I've been living the last several months
barely alive and completely and utterly guilty in my actions. Cole, I love you and I
did you a horrible injustice." Phoebe buried her face in his shoulder as sobs racked
her frail body.
"I love you Phoebe, and if you had to vanquish me, then it was for the greater
good. You're not guilty, you did what you had to do. I don't blame you. I love you
Phoebe, I love you..." His voice began to get weaker and weaker. Phoebe glanced up and
gasped as Cole and her son were nowhere to be seen.
"Cole? Cole!" She stood up and screamed. "You promised you would never leave me!
Cooooooolllllllllllleeeeeeee!" The city lights and the Ferris Wheel slowly faded from
her view as darkness covered her sight. "Coooooollllllleeeee....."
***
Phoebe felt hands shaking her awake and she shot up screaming. "Phoebe!" Piper
cried out. "Phoebe, it was a nightmare. It's alright."
She glanced at her sister and tears fell from her eyes. "It's not alright, Piper,
it'll never be alright. I dreamt that Cole was still alive and he took me and Randy
to the fair. We were happy and I felt peaceful. But he left me and he promised he
wouldn't. Why, Piper? Why did he leave me?"
"Oh, honey. Shhh." She hugged her sister and rocked her. "Cole may be gone but
he did not leave you. There are memories and there is also your son, Randy."
"But I did him a great wrong. I should have never vanquished him."
"Did you tell Cole that in your dream?" Piper asked.
Phoebe hiccuped. "Uh huh. And he said he loved me...and that he doesn't blame
me. That I'm not guilty. But I am, Piper. Don't you see?"
"I see you've been living with this for too long. I promise you that the dream
Cole was right. You are not guilty of anything wrong and he doesn't blame you. He loved
you. And he wouldn't want you to be like this, not when you have Randy to take care of.
Be strong for him, Phoebe, be strong for your son."
She nodded and hugged Piper. "Thank you."
"Do you want me to stay?" she asked.
"No, no. I think I can manage. Night, Piper." She got out of bed and stared at
the night sky. A huge weight felt like it was lifted off of her chest and all she
could feel was serenity. "I love you, Cole."
She turned away from the window, and didn't hear the wind suddenly building
outside.
"Help me, Phoebe..." a voice cried out as the wind lifted higher into the sky.
If you'd liked to leave more than kudos on this work, you can reply either in the comment box below (email field is not required, but you can leave one if you'd like a reply) or on this journal entry (Read Reviews).
All feedback is appreciated.
